“I am a resident of the County of Los Angeles”

Last Spring, my parents came to visit and brought with them a Jury summons I had received from the County of Los Angeles. I sat in their hotel room looking over the form. It asks several yes or no statements where the “correct” (or most common) answer is highlighted. I read the questions out loud, along with my intended answers:

“I am a US Citizen? Yes. I am a member of the armed forces? No. I am a resident of the County of Los Angeles? Yes.”
Wait! I meant, NO. I don’t live there anymore. Like, seriously!

Later that day, back at my apartment, when I sat down to fill out the form, I thought to myself, “I should pay careful attention so I don’t do that again.” And so I began: “I am a US Citizen? Yes. I am a member of the armed forces? No. I am a resident of the County of Los Angeles? Yes.” Oops. I had to get a new form. Freudian slip? Um, yeah.

So today, I did something really crazy. Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve done since leaving CA for the East Coast 6 years ago. I officially declared myself a resident of Massachusetts, and turned in my beloved CA driver's license. I feel like I've lost a piece of my identity. As I said to Toyb later, "This is what true love looks like. Nothing less could have induced me to do this." I did not, however, register to vote. Not yet. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. For that one I’m going to need someone to hold my hand.

Post-denominational egalitarian girl in an orthodox world

So, what does an egalitarian girl do when she’s engaged (much less married) to an orthodox boy? This is a question I expect I’ll be answering over and over again in different ways for the rest of my life. And, as usual, there isn’t an easy answer other than to approach each issue as it comes up.

At the moment the interesting thing is that figuring out how to strike the right balance in our wedding is much more difficult than figuring out how to live our lives together. That makes sense actually, because as it turns out our practice, apart from the egal davening, is not very different. So setting up a life together is relatively easy on that count. And we are happy to continue to daven in two minyanim. We are particularly lucky in our current locale in that we can do that all in one building, but even if that does not remain the case, we’ll be okay.

But planning a wedding? That’s a bit more complicated. Luckily we have great resource in Rabbi Linzer’s article for JOFA (circa 2003), which indicates a variety of ways to make Jewish weddings more egalitarian within the boundaries of halacha. Stay tuned to see just what our balance will be. It promises to be an interesting ride.

Made with love, not angst

I have previously written at length about the subject of conflict diamonds and (consumer-based) measures to alleviate the problem. However, this question had renewed potency when I recently became engaged. You may wonder, what did Sunkist Miss decide to do about an engagement ring? Well, I’m here to share that information with you.

Initially when we went shopping (browsing), I really couldn’t find anything I was happy with. And the more I thought about it, the more I recognized that I was not going to be happy with a standard Kimberly Process certificate of origin. Don’t get me wrong, the Kimberly Process represents a very important improvement in how diamond retailers do business. However, it wasn’t enough. It is well known that, as I described previously, “it’s difficult to actually verify where diamonds come from and the major buyers (companies) may mix them together.”

Enter Brilliant Earth -- a San Francisco-based company committed to making socially conscious jewelry. Their diamonds come from Canada (from Canadian mines, not through Canada). They use recycled metal (mine is white gold) for making the settings and bands. The materials they send/pack in are all made from recycled paper and the jewelry boxes are from wood from a sustainable forest. Finally, they recognize that all of these things are not enough because, as I wrote about in my previous blog post on the subject, the problem with effectively boycotting African diamonds is that while verification is extraordinarily difficult, not all African diamonds are conflict diamonds, and poor communities are reliant on their export. Their solution? As their website explains, “Brilliant Earth also dedicates 5% of its profits to directly benefit local African communities harmed by the diamond industry.” Moreover, they are also beginning to offer certified Namibian diamonds which are conflict-free, and mined with fair labor and environmentally monitored mining practices. In other words, they are really making an effort to get to the source of a variety of social problems in the jewelry and diamond business one ring at a time. Also, the people there were very helpful and informative and we got a hand-written note with the rings! (We got wedding bands there as well so they would be made from recycled metals and would match).

Yes, I know I sound like a commercial for this company, but really, I want people to know that this option is out there. Finally, when I found them, I actually felt good about the ring. Because it’s not just me getting something I don’t have to feel guilty about, but something I can feel confident is making a market-based statement about what is important and helping to support a company that does good work in this area.

I will add one last thought. In my prior post on this subject I brought up the question of whether wearing a diamond ring in some sense constitutes marat ayin. Marat Ayin is the Jewish concept which proscribes an action that while technically permissible looks like something that is not, and which therefore makes others think that the impermissible is permissible. So, is wearing an extremely socially conscious ring marat ayin because other people might think that any old diamond ring was acceptable? This was really my last hold-up. What I concluded is that (a) as mentioned above, it is important to support this company, and (b) it is in a certain sense an educational opportunity for me. No, not everyone I encounter will know the story of my ring. But my friends and family will, anyone who reads this blog will, anyone who attends our wedding will. And in that way we will teach people that there are more possibilities out there. It’s not only about Brilliant Earth, but more broadly about the fact that it is possible to make socially and politically responsible choices.

Unforgettable

Yesterday I had the privilege of witnessing history. I was cold and achy and walked forever and it was chaotic and the sound echoed. But I was there and it was amazing. I was lucky enough to have a ticket to the Inauguration of our newest President, Barak Obama.

I, along with some two million of my fellow Americans stood on the National Mall and watched Obama take the oath of office and address the country. His speech was eloquent as we have come to expect, but that is not what made the moment so special. It was the grand significance of this moment in American history, and the energy and optimism radiating from an enthusiastic crowd of people who trekked to Washington to be present in that moment, that made it unforgettable. I am awed by the thought that my children will never know what it is to grow up believing that only white Christian men can be president. Okay, in my heart of hearts I believe that Christian is still politically required in this country (though I would love to be proven wrong). And I don’t think that this election ended the significance of racial or gender inequality—but it represented progress that we didn't imagine was possible in our generation.

My parents worked to change the possibilities that American offers. My father was in high school when he volunteered on Bobby Kennedy’s campaign in 1968, and later really cut his teeth politically on the McGovern campaign. My mother worked to get women into elected office. They tried to change reality. But by the time I was growing up, they were not expecting to see this happen, not yet. It seemed like the changes they worked for were still a long ways off.

In Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal Dreams, one of the characters, Hallie Noline writes, “[T]he very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.” I am not an optimistic person. But yesterday I felt a part of a moment of collective optimism.

All weekend the millions of people who made their pilgrimage to Washington exuded a spirit of exuberance. They were just not celebrating Obama’s inauguration, or even the inauguration of our first black president, but something more – the fact that this seminal event changes the possibilities that the future holds. I grew up in a diverse metropolitan community, and very few of us ever believed that anyone like us could grow up to be President. We were brilliant and we were going places, the presidency just wasn’t one of them. And so I am thrilled that this highly symbolic change – the realization of the impossible dream – has taken place. I believe that more deeply rooted changes have taken place allowing this moment to arise. And I am cautiously optimistic that further deep changes are coming – not just during Obama’s presidency but further into the future. Because it is not one man changing history. It is Americans changing their own destiny by collectively changing the realm of the possible.

Someday I will teach my children about these things, and tell them that I stood there in the cold at that moment. Sí se puede.

An Ode to Socks

Yay! A while ago some friends were talking about “smartwool” socks, but I tossed it aside as hype. However, my feet are always cold (okay, most of me is always cold). So I'd been worrying about spending a bunch of time outside in DC this week. And besides, I needed to try something different. Thus when Toyb suggested I try smartwool, I decided to give it a whirl. I obtained a few pairs (with some lovely designs). I have been wearing them the last few days (including a double-layer today), and wow am I impressed! (Though I’m not convinced the miracle is really the brand so much as wool vs. cotton in general, but still…). Hooray for cozy feet. Clearly a shopping trip is in order!

In honor of this new revelation, I bring you an excerpt from Pablo Neruda’s poem “Oda a los calectines” (“Ode to Socks”), which concludes:

Y es esta la moral de mi Oda:
Dos veces es belleza la belleza,
y lo que es bueno es doblemente bueno,
cuando se trata de dos calcetines
de lana en el invierno.

And this is the moral of my Ode:
Beauty is two-times beauty,
And that which is good is doubly good,
When you are talking about a pair of wool socks
In wintertime.

(Translation is my own).

Answering to a higher authority

The application of standards whether for to people, organizations, or even nations is not easy and not always fair. We are all biased. And sometimes that bias is revealed through preferences or prejudices – treating favorites less harshly than others. But sometimes that bias is manifested in holding certain people to a higher standard.

During my sophomore year in college when I was taking a notoriously difficult Spanish literature class I encountered this type of standard. More than once I was surprised by receiving a lower-grade than I thought I had earned on a paper for the class. I discussed this with La Profesora. I told her that while I was fine with a B if I earned it, I wanted to know why I had been given that grade when all of her comments on my paper were complimentary. She responded by telling me that in fact I had written the best paper in the class, but other the students had received higher grades because while my paper was clearly very good, I was capable of better.

Likewise, when I was growing up my mother regularly told me “I don’t care what other people’s children do, I care what you do”, whenever I would try to bring in someone else as an example of why she was being too judgmental.

I must confess that despite recalling my great frustration with both my mother and La Profesora, I empathize with their position. I hold myself to a higher standard than I believe is fair to apply to other people. Likewise, I hold those I respect to a higher standard than people with whom I have no connection. The same can go for organizations or even nations. I think that this is legitimate, but I also try to temper the tendency with some leniency. I try to remember to distinguish between hopes and expectations – to hold a combination of idealism about potential and realism about what to expect. I think I succeed, at least to a point. After all, while I have been accused of being an idealist, I’ve never been accused of being an optimist.

An Ode to Travel by Train

I am writing this as I sit on the train from Boston to DC. If you can afford it (in terms of time and money), I believe the train is the best way to travel between East Coast cities. It’s comfortable and stress-free. You don’t have to get to the station super early as when flying and when you arrive you’re already in the city. You don’t have to know where you’re going and pay attention to the road as when driving. And it’s less cramped and more reliable than the bus. (Not to mention more reliable than a plane in winter!). My computer is plugged in and my phone is charging. When I’m done writing, I’m going to take a little walk and stretch my legs. I only wish there was wireless, but I’m sure that will come some day. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying looking out the window. I think the view is probably considerably nicer during the winter – everything looks magical covered in snow – at least when you’re looking at it from a warm and cozy vantage point.

As for the Left Coast: I’ve taken the train from Los Angeles to Portland, OR. It was a fantastic experience (and much more scenic than back East), but is worth doing only if you will enjoy the experience for it’s own sake. If your purpose is simply to reach your destination, a plane is worth it at that distance.