Other considerations:

I’ve been thinking about potentially donating my wedding dress, now that the wedding is over. Saving it seems wasteful when there are organizations that can use it to provide other brides with affordable dress options while using the profits for charitable causes. And really, while I suppose its possible that someday I might have a daughter who wants it, the odds are dramatically against this ((a) I might not have a girl, (b) she likely won’t be my size, (c) even if she is, she likely won’t share my taste)).

On the other hand, it is sort of sentimental, and maybe some day I would appreciate being able to go back and look at it.

Either way, I need to decide soon. If it’s being kept I need to deal with getting it cleaned and preserved. If it’s being shipped for charity, well, it’ll still need cleaning etc, so sooner is still better. Any thoughts?

Once Upon a Wedding, Or, Jewishly Conscious Wedding -- Part II

(The previous post told you about resources. This one talks about the decisions we actually made.)

Things we did to walk the orthodox/egalitarian line, and make a halachic wedding that was also inclusive of women:

• Our RCA halachic pre-nup was signed (and notarized) before the wedding, by friends who would not be valid halachic witnesses, but are totally competent to sign this particular religious document because it simply requires witnesses to meet the standards of American juridical practice.



• The rabbi announced at the tish that the pre-nup had been signed ahead of time, so that, even though the signing was not public, it was made public knowledge. (We also explained that we had done so in our wedding program).



• The ketubah was not signed during the tish, but rather at the bedeken, so that both of us and all our friends and family were present.



• To effect the kinyan of the ketubah, rather than having the groom lift an insignificant object (e.g. pen / handkerchief) to signal his assent, I personally gave the him a ring I bought for him; he took it and lifted it to signal his acceptance of the ketubah obligations. Thus I was able to publicly give him a ring in a way which produced a halachic effect, and that could not possibly be interpreted as interfering with kiddushin.



• Under the chuppah, during Erusin, I announced my intention to accept the ring bought for me by the groom, saying, “Behold, I am prepared to accept this ring for the purpose of kiddushin according to the laws of Moses and Israel” (in Hebrew). This announcement not only adds equality by giving the woman a voice under the chuppah, but it also adds clarity to what takes place since she verbally announces that she intends to accept the ring rather than working on the basis of “silence is acceptance.” After I made this statement the groom gave me the ring he had bought and recited the traditional formula.



• For sheva brachot under the chuppah we chose to have one person (in this case a family member) sing all 7 brachot rather than calling up a rotating list of friends. We love the person who did so, but the decision was also made for cosmetic reasons – you cannot get around the halachic requirement to have a man say the sheva brachot under the chuppah, but it looks and feels very different to have one man do so versus a parade of men.



• Benching was led by a man, but sheva brachot during benching were recited by a mix of male and female friends.

Jewishly Conscious Wedding -- Resources

As you may have guessed, not only have I thought long and hard about various social, political, and environmental concerns about the wedding (see previous post), I have also put a great deal of thought into the Jewish aspects of the wedding.

Specifically, here are some resources I found useful in trying to plan a wedding that is both halachic and meaningfully inclusive of women:

• Most important are the following JOFA Journal issues:

i) On making halahcic weddings more egalitarian: Summer 2003 JOFA Journal's special wedding edition.

ii) On the issue of halachic pre-nuptial agreements, and other means to avoid agunah issues, see the Summer 2005 JOFA Journal on the subject.

• Relatedly, here is the RCA (Orthodox) halachic pre-nuptuial agreement.


• Additionally, I would point out that there are many other relevant resources available on the JOFA website about Jewish marriage from an Orthodox, Feminist perspective.


• We also found this article, "What's the Truth about...a Chatan and Kallah Not Seeing Each Other before the Wedding?" quite illuminating. Turns out this is not an ancient, time-honored Jewish custom, but rather a relatively recent innovation.

Also worth knowing about is JUFJ's Green and Just Celebrations Guide, which provides a lot of ideas about making simchas more environmentally and socially conscious. This of course relates to the subject of the previous post, but with a particularly Jewish bent, so I'm including it here.

Socially conscious wedding

I tend to think of my self as a socially-conscious person, but we (fiancé and I) are not the activisty types (though I am much more so than he is). I buy environmentally friendly cleaning products, but I don’t preach about it, and I don’t object to resorting to paper plates when doing dishes feels like too much of a chore. I think about my choices, and attempt to prevent injustices in the world where possible, but I don’t go out and protest very often. My entire choice of vocation is premised on making the world a better place, but my chosen route is research rather than advocacy, outreach or fieldwork.

Similarly, our wedding will not be the most environmentally friendly possible -- it will not involve local food, and will likely generate plenty of waste. It will, in most respects, be a typical wedding. At the same time, however, I feel that (a) when planning an event I know will be wasteful, I should attempt to curtail that waste in at least some areas, and (b) that if we are spending so much money on one event, it should be an opportunity to do so in a way that reflects our values. So, here are some of the small ways were are doing this:

• You already know that my engagement ring is made from a conflict-free diamond, set in recycled-gold, and sold by a socially-conscious jeweler. Both of our wedding bands are also made of recycled gold and come from the same seller. We will make sure our guests know about this.

• We bought (with money from my bubby –her wedding gift to us) fair trade kippot from MayaWorks for our guests. (Toyb’s sister is making kippot for the men in our immediate families). Again, our guests will be told about this choice.

Aside: The MayaWorks kippot are amazing – absolutely beautiful hand knit kippot in an array of colors (so everyone will have kippot of a similar style but different colors) – they will be memorable, and many people will actually use them afterwards!

• We asked guests not to have registry items gift wrapped when ordering them to be mailed. The packing material generates enough waste.

• We also asked guests to consider offsetting the carbon-impact of their travel to the wedding as part of our gift (particularly relevant given the long-distance travel inherently involved when you live 3,000 miles from your family of origin).

“I am a resident of the County of Los Angeles”

Last Spring, my parents came to visit and brought with them a Jury summons I had received from the County of Los Angeles. I sat in their hotel room looking over the form. It asks several yes or no statements where the “correct” (or most common) answer is highlighted. I read the questions out loud, along with my intended answers:

“I am a US Citizen? Yes. I am a member of the armed forces? No. I am a resident of the County of Los Angeles? Yes.”
Wait! I meant, NO. I don’t live there anymore. Like, seriously!

Later that day, back at my apartment, when I sat down to fill out the form, I thought to myself, “I should pay careful attention so I don’t do that again.” And so I began: “I am a US Citizen? Yes. I am a member of the armed forces? No. I am a resident of the County of Los Angeles? Yes.” Oops. I had to get a new form. Freudian slip? Um, yeah.

So today, I did something really crazy. Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve done since leaving CA for the East Coast 6 years ago. I officially declared myself a resident of Massachusetts, and turned in my beloved CA driver's license. I feel like I've lost a piece of my identity. As I said to Toyb later, "This is what true love looks like. Nothing less could have induced me to do this." I did not, however, register to vote. Not yet. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. For that one I’m going to need someone to hold my hand.

Post-denominational egalitarian girl in an orthodox world

So, what does an egalitarian girl do when she’s engaged (much less married) to an orthodox boy? This is a question I expect I’ll be answering over and over again in different ways for the rest of my life. And, as usual, there isn’t an easy answer other than to approach each issue as it comes up.

At the moment the interesting thing is that figuring out how to strike the right balance in our wedding is much more difficult than figuring out how to live our lives together. That makes sense actually, because as it turns out our practice, apart from the egal davening, is not very different. So setting up a life together is relatively easy on that count. And we are happy to continue to daven in two minyanim. We are particularly lucky in our current locale in that we can do that all in one building, but even if that does not remain the case, we’ll be okay.

But planning a wedding? That’s a bit more complicated. Luckily we have great resource in Rabbi Linzer’s article for JOFA (circa 2003), which indicates a variety of ways to make Jewish weddings more egalitarian within the boundaries of halacha. Stay tuned to see just what our balance will be. It promises to be an interesting ride.

Made with love, not angst

I have previously written at length about the subject of conflict diamonds and (consumer-based) measures to alleviate the problem. However, this question had renewed potency when I recently became engaged. You may wonder, what did Sunkist Miss decide to do about an engagement ring? Well, I’m here to share that information with you.

Initially when we went shopping (browsing), I really couldn’t find anything I was happy with. And the more I thought about it, the more I recognized that I was not going to be happy with a standard Kimberly Process certificate of origin. Don’t get me wrong, the Kimberly Process represents a very important improvement in how diamond retailers do business. However, it wasn’t enough. It is well known that, as I described previously, “it’s difficult to actually verify where diamonds come from and the major buyers (companies) may mix them together.”

Enter Brilliant Earth -- a San Francisco-based company committed to making socially conscious jewelry. Their diamonds come from Canada (from Canadian mines, not through Canada). They use recycled metal (mine is white gold) for making the settings and bands. The materials they send/pack in are all made from recycled paper and the jewelry boxes are from wood from a sustainable forest. Finally, they recognize that all of these things are not enough because, as I wrote about in my previous blog post on the subject, the problem with effectively boycotting African diamonds is that while verification is extraordinarily difficult, not all African diamonds are conflict diamonds, and poor communities are reliant on their export. Their solution? As their website explains, “Brilliant Earth also dedicates 5% of its profits to directly benefit local African communities harmed by the diamond industry.” Moreover, they are also beginning to offer certified Namibian diamonds which are conflict-free, and mined with fair labor and environmentally monitored mining practices. In other words, they are really making an effort to get to the source of a variety of social problems in the jewelry and diamond business one ring at a time. Also, the people there were very helpful and informative and we got a hand-written note with the rings! (We got wedding bands there as well so they would be made from recycled metals and would match).

Yes, I know I sound like a commercial for this company, but really, I want people to know that this option is out there. Finally, when I found them, I actually felt good about the ring. Because it’s not just me getting something I don’t have to feel guilty about, but something I can feel confident is making a market-based statement about what is important and helping to support a company that does good work in this area.

I will add one last thought. In my prior post on this subject I brought up the question of whether wearing a diamond ring in some sense constitutes marat ayin. Marat Ayin is the Jewish concept which proscribes an action that while technically permissible looks like something that is not, and which therefore makes others think that the impermissible is permissible. So, is wearing an extremely socially conscious ring marat ayin because other people might think that any old diamond ring was acceptable? This was really my last hold-up. What I concluded is that (a) as mentioned above, it is important to support this company, and (b) it is in a certain sense an educational opportunity for me. No, not everyone I encounter will know the story of my ring. But my friends and family will, anyone who reads this blog will, anyone who attends our wedding will. And in that way we will teach people that there are more possibilities out there. It’s not only about Brilliant Earth, but more broadly about the fact that it is possible to make socially and politically responsible choices.